TERROR LEVELS

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." 

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in
1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. 

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666. 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's
white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military
capability. 

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two
higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. 

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of
their allies, just in case. 

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is
"Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of
invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic
defensive position called "Bondi". 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!
", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The
barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has
warranted the use of the final escalation level. 

Source/Fonte: Received by email

Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A  Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated  him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the  reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido  would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in  court.

When  the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he  takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The  Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The  lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the  money?"

Guido  signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." 

The lawyer tells  the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are  talking  about."

The  Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him  again or I'll kill him!"

The  lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell  him."

Guido  trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,  buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The  Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The  lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the  trigger."

Don't you just love Lawyers !!!

Source/Fonte: Received by email

Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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