quinta-feira, 16 de dezembro de 2010

Twenty Pounds

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for £20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly £1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over £2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over £3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut...

Fonte/Source: Received by email
Image/Imagem: Google Images
Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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terça-feira, 14 de dezembro de 2010


Hi, there! Imagine you’re at a restaurant and you hear this:
- I’ll have a BLT.
- ASPA or PDQ?
Or suppose your American friend texts you this: 143.
Pretty crazy, hu? Not really. That’s why I’d like to share with you guys something so common here: abbreviations. This is highly used at work, ads (advertisement signs), blogs, text messages (torpedos), usually in a casual conversation context. It can be hard to understand the full meaning of a phrase if you’re not familiar with. Some of these abbreviations you’re probably already used to seeing around… Oh, one more thing, you need to read it letter by letter (or number by number), don’t try make it a new word. So, let’s get to know some of them, shall we?
1. 143: I love you. I explain: I (1 letter) love (4 letters) you (3 letters)
2. AKA: Also known as
You can use this one to explain a nickname.
Ex: EnglishExperts website aka (you read “ei-kei-ei” or “also known as”) EE is awesome!
3. ASAP: As soon as possible
Ex. Please, this report needs to be done asap!
4. BLT: Bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich
5. DIY: Do it yourself
You’ll find a lot of diy stuff on my website.
Ex: This is a diy project. My diy mirror.
6. FYI: For your information
7. LOL: Laugh out loud
It would be like someone is laughing really hard (gargalhada).
8. OBO: Our best offer
Craigslist has tons of “obo”.
Ex: I’m selling this crib (berço) for U$100 obo.
For sale: dresser (cômoda) and mirror. Cash and pick up only. U$ 150.00 obo for both.
9. PDQ: Pretty darn quick
10. R.I.P.: Rest in peace (Halloween tombstones)
11. TLC: Tender loving care
You’ll find this one for everything that needs “tender loving care”. Ex:
1- When I took Sophie (my cute dog) to the vet because I thought she was sick, the vet said “oh, Sophie is fine, she just needs a little bit of TLC”.
2- On Real Estate (corretora de imóveis) listings, I mean, let’s suppose you read an ad (anúncio) from a house that’s seen better days. So usually the realtor writes “This house needs a bit of TLC but has tons of potential”.
12. TGI Friday: – Thanks God it’s Friday! WooHooo
TGI Friday’s is a restaurant too.

Fonte/Source: Received by email
Image/Imagem: Google Images
Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Communication Problems

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00am.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00am. Wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Fonte/Source: Received by email
Image/Imagem: Google Images
Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as
fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

Source/Fonte: Received by email
Image/Imagem: Google Images
Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

Is it your copyright? Please see here.