An Outdoor's man

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level....He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped

from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills,

stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand  and took four leaks behind big trees." 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" 

"NAH," he replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

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Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Sensitive Men

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.  The class was in full swing.  The  instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the  men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of  the pregnancy.

She said  "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.  Walking is  especially beneficial.  It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in  the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together  --  It  wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. 

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes", answered  the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

----  This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.  

Source/Fonte: Received by email

Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Irish Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer
answers in relief. "I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

"I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,"
the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers.
"I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're
all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states.
"When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,

"Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock..
"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.."

Fonte/Source: Received by email
Image/Imagem: Google
Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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A Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole  when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that he usually played alone,  but agreed to the  twosome.

They were even after the first few holes.  The  second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about  playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that  he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the  terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with  ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy  was busy counting his $80.00.  He confessed that he  was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on  suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the  Parish  Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return  the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and  I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your  winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up  to  you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday  and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry  them.  

Fonte/Source: Received by email

Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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