Drink & Drive - True Story

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from      the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.....

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. 

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

He finally started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breath-alyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

True story.

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Updated Home Security

Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system and
de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner,
and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

The local police, Federal Cops, ASIO, Anti Terror Swat Team, and other
agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer, and I am saving $49.50 a month!
Go Seniors!

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Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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New Version of the Three Bears Story

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.... 


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks. 

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars. 

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was

Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water. 

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.... 


'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F****NG PORRIDGE YET'

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Learn how to Speak Redneck

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, 
that things gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar
in my pickup truck."

FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.
Usage: "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares." 

DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."
Usage: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum." 

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work,
your bahs is gonna far you!"

CENT: Plural of cent.
Usage: "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it." 

BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage: "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it." 

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: "Pa dun had a hot attack." HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Et-lanna, and boy my arms are tarred."

SAAR: The opposite of sweet.
Usage: "These pickles Sure are saar." 

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

OVAIR: In that direction.
Usage: "Where's yo paw, son?" "He's ovair, suh." 

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?"

MUCHABLIGE: Thank you.
Usage: "Muchablige for the lift, mister." 

IDINIT: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't.
Usage: "Mighty hot today, idinit?" 

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - Seen, past tense.
VIEW - Have You?
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

PHRAISIN: Very cold.
Usage:"Shut that door. It's phraisin in here." 

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

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Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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CHICKEN AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT

 

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".  The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

 

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

 

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

 

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.  He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

 

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

 

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

 

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

 

Your going to love this....................

 

Ah...  so sorry," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck"

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Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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TERROR LEVELS

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." 

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in
1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. 

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666. 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's
white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military
capability. 

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two
higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. 

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of
their allies, just in case. 

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is
"Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of
invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic
defensive position called "Bondi". 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!
", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The
barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has
warranted the use of the final escalation level. 

Source/Fonte: Received by email

Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Irish Bus Thieves

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other,
  'I can't be bothered to  walk all the way home.'

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab
  and we've missed the last bus  home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus 
  while the other  keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts,
  'What are you doing?  Have ye not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye t'ick sod, take the No. 14
  and we'll walk from the  roundabout.

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Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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MALE LOGIC

Flawless MALE LOGIC.

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:Do you drink beer?
Man: 

Yes

Woman:How many beers a day?

Man:Usually about 3

Woman:How much do you pay per beer?

Man: 

$5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:And how long have you been drinking?

Man:About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:Correct

Woman:If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation,

the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:Correct

Woman:Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:Do you drink beer?

Woman:No

Man:Where's your Ferrari then?

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Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Now we know..................

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and asked about the upcoming weather conditions.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the days ahead.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." 

A short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked. Their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a drenched condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and fired the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of Royal Forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential advisory positions.

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Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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An Outdoor's man

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level....He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped

from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills,

stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand  and took four leaks behind big trees." 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" 

"NAH," he replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

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Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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GET A BLONDE GENIE?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. 


Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. 
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.


The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is amass with $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.


As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire...

but why he wanted to be "hung like a black man" is beyond me!"

Source/Fonte: Received by email

Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Life is Ducky

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Grammar is the most important!

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss. 

She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.

Boss's wife read the email and filed for divorce.

The email read:

"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night.
It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke.
Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order.
I loved its perfect size and grip.
Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish.
Thanks a lot"

Moral: A "space" is an essential part of  English.

(Some just cannot be filled, some MUST be left empty apart).

Atheist Holy Day

A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!   Gotta love this Judge!

You must read this... A proper decision by the courts for a change.

A FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.  The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. 

The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying,  "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do.  Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day.  Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'  Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.  Therefore,

April 1st is his day.

Court is adjourned..."  You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

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Image/Imagem: Google Images

Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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